How kind are you to yourself?
Many of us have an inclination to give ourselves a really hard time, homing in on imperfections, castigating ourselves for real or imagined transgressions, and comparing how we are with how we think we should be. I know this, not only from my own experience but from the nods of recognition that greet me when I mention it to other people.
We're subject to constant media bombardment telling us how we ought to behave, look and live and encouraging a culture of aggressive competition where it's "goodbye" if you're the "weakest link". It's only too easy to buy into these messages...but they're not good for us, not one bit! Depression is on the increase, and goes hand in hand with low self esteem. And if we aren't kind to ourselves, it becomes more difficult to be kind to others.
In his book "The Compassionate Mind", the psychologist Paul Gilbert points out that we have the capacity to operate in 3 different modes: Resource Seeking (going after whatever we think will make us happy and fulfilled), Threat & Self Protection (the good old "fight or flight" response) and Soothing/Contentment (the ability to feel at peace with ourselves, to regulate negative emotions and feel connected to others). Unfortunately, we tend to spend most of our time yoyo-ing between the first two, going into Threat & Self Protection whenever we're thwarted in our attempts to get what we think we need (and we think we need more and more...) or to be how we think we should be.
So how do we cultivate a good relationship with our Soothing/Contentment mode and with ourselves? The first step is to be mindful; to notice each time we say something harsh or self critical to ourselves. Try it for a day - you'll see what I mean! When self-judgement crops up, just acknowledge it by gently saying "judging" to yourself, and see if you can let the judgement go. Create an image in your mind of a compassionate person or being; how would they behave towards you? Can you behave this way towards yourself?
Want to know more? This Sunday 24th June, I'm running a day retreat on Mindfulness and Compassion at the lovely Ammerdown Centre, Radstock, Somerset. Places are still available - you can book via my NEW website at www.bspacemindfulness.com. Do keep an eye on the website, whether you can come or not - I'll be putting up some **free** Mindfulness & Self Compassion audio tracks for you to try.
Best wishes,
Chris
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
