How kind are you to yourself?
Many of us have an inclination to give ourselves a really hard time, homing in on imperfections, castigating ourselves for real or imagined transgressions, and comparing how we are with how we think we should be. I know this, not only from my own experience but from the nods of recognition that greet me when I mention it to other people.
We're subject to constant media bombardment telling us how we ought to behave, look and live and encouraging a culture of aggressive competition where it's "goodbye" if you're the "weakest link". It's only too easy to buy into these messages...but they're not good for us, not one bit! Depression is on the increase, and goes hand in hand with low self esteem. And if we aren't kind to ourselves, it becomes more difficult to be kind to others.
In his book "The Compassionate Mind", the psychologist Paul Gilbert points out that we have the capacity to operate in 3 different modes: Resource Seeking (going after whatever we think will make us happy and fulfilled), Threat & Self Protection (the good old "fight or flight" response) and Soothing/Contentment (the ability to feel at peace with ourselves, to regulate negative emotions and feel connected to others). Unfortunately, we tend to spend most of our time yoyo-ing between the first two, going into Threat & Self Protection whenever we're thwarted in our attempts to get what we think we need (and we think we need more and more...) or to be how we think we should be.
So how do we cultivate a good relationship with our Soothing/Contentment mode and with ourselves? The first step is to be mindful; to notice each time we say something harsh or self critical to ourselves. Try it for a day - you'll see what I mean! When self-judgement crops up, just acknowledge it by gently saying "judging" to yourself, and see if you can let the judgement go. Create an image in your mind of a compassionate person or being; how would they behave towards you? Can you behave this way towards yourself?
Want to know more? This Sunday 24th June, I'm running a day retreat on Mindfulness and Compassion at the lovely Ammerdown Centre, Radstock, Somerset. Places are still available - you can book via my NEW website at www.bspacemindfulness.com. Do keep an eye on the website, whether you can come or not - I'll be putting up some **free** Mindfulness & Self Compassion audio tracks for you to try.
Best wishes,
Chris
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
Friday, 18 May 2012
Monday, 6 February 2012
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Mindfulness & the Menopause: Embracing the Change
I've recently been doing some research into women's experience of menopause, for my forthcoming retreat Embracing the Change: A Mindful Journey through Menopause and I've discovered something that has saddened me.
It seems that for many women this inevitable, and natural, life stage has become a kind of illness for which they're desperately seeking a "cure", whether that cure is HRT or other types of therapy. OK, having been through it myself I can confirm that the menopause brings a whole raft of uncomfortable symptoms - hot flushes, night sweats, disturbed sleep, roller-coaster emotions and so on - but that doesn't mean that we're ill! By far the worst aspect is how we feel about ourselves and what we're experiencing; anxious, depressed, frustrated, stressed... And maybe some of this is exacerbated by the media's treatment of mature women. Rather than embracing the "Wise Woman" role that we would have held in earlier cultures, and celebrating that transition, we're often encouraged to think of ourselves as past our sell-by date - not only grossly untrue, but not exactly great for self esteem!
So how can we make the menopause a more positive experience? Well, self-care certainly plays a key part, and it makes sense to look after our health and manage the symptoms in whatever way feels right for us, but in all likelihood we won't be able to eliminate them, even if we want to. Instead, we need a way of managing our reactions, so that we don't get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative emotions and unhelpful coping strategies (There's a point beyond which staying in bed and eating chocolate ceases to be helpful, believe me, there is!).
Mindfulness can't remove the symptoms of menopause, but it can help us relate to them in a calmer and more compassionate way - and self compassion is a great boost to mental health. Learning these simple techniques to focus our awareness, relax the body and ride out the storm (whether the storm is physical or emotional) can pay great dividends. A research project at the University of Massachusetts found that women with hot flushes & night sweats who learned Mindfulness felt less bothered by their symptoms, less stressed, and slept better than their colleagues who hadn't learned Mindfulness.
Start by just sitting in a comfortable, relaxed position and following the movement of your breath. Every time your mind wanders (which it will, many times...) just notice where it's gone and gently guide it back. Feel your feet in contact with the ground, your backside with the floor or seat. Do this for as long as you like. You can also follow my YouTube clip for a bit of guided Mindfulness practice.
Use this as a time to reflect and ask yourself some important questions about the rest of your life. Who are you now? What do you need to let go? What do you want? What are the benefits and rewards that this life stage might bring, if you let it?
There are lots of ways of approaching these questions. You might try sitting quietly observing the thoughts and feelings that arise as you reflect, or you could allow an image to come to mind that represents the present and future you. You could pick up a pen and start writing or drawing spontaneously as you hold the questions in mind.
You could also come to the retreat and share some good times with other women - but I'll leave that up to you!
Best wishes,
Chris
It seems that for many women this inevitable, and natural, life stage has become a kind of illness for which they're desperately seeking a "cure", whether that cure is HRT or other types of therapy. OK, having been through it myself I can confirm that the menopause brings a whole raft of uncomfortable symptoms - hot flushes, night sweats, disturbed sleep, roller-coaster emotions and so on - but that doesn't mean that we're ill! By far the worst aspect is how we feel about ourselves and what we're experiencing; anxious, depressed, frustrated, stressed... And maybe some of this is exacerbated by the media's treatment of mature women. Rather than embracing the "Wise Woman" role that we would have held in earlier cultures, and celebrating that transition, we're often encouraged to think of ourselves as past our sell-by date - not only grossly untrue, but not exactly great for self esteem!
So how can we make the menopause a more positive experience? Well, self-care certainly plays a key part, and it makes sense to look after our health and manage the symptoms in whatever way feels right for us, but in all likelihood we won't be able to eliminate them, even if we want to. Instead, we need a way of managing our reactions, so that we don't get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative emotions and unhelpful coping strategies (There's a point beyond which staying in bed and eating chocolate ceases to be helpful, believe me, there is!).
Mindfulness can't remove the symptoms of menopause, but it can help us relate to them in a calmer and more compassionate way - and self compassion is a great boost to mental health. Learning these simple techniques to focus our awareness, relax the body and ride out the storm (whether the storm is physical or emotional) can pay great dividends. A research project at the University of Massachusetts found that women with hot flushes & night sweats who learned Mindfulness felt less bothered by their symptoms, less stressed, and slept better than their colleagues who hadn't learned Mindfulness.
Start by just sitting in a comfortable, relaxed position and following the movement of your breath. Every time your mind wanders (which it will, many times...) just notice where it's gone and gently guide it back. Feel your feet in contact with the ground, your backside with the floor or seat. Do this for as long as you like. You can also follow my YouTube clip for a bit of guided Mindfulness practice.
Use this as a time to reflect and ask yourself some important questions about the rest of your life. Who are you now? What do you need to let go? What do you want? What are the benefits and rewards that this life stage might bring, if you let it?
There are lots of ways of approaching these questions. You might try sitting quietly observing the thoughts and feelings that arise as you reflect, or you could allow an image to come to mind that represents the present and future you. You could pick up a pen and start writing or drawing spontaneously as you hold the questions in mind.
You could also come to the retreat and share some good times with other women - but I'll leave that up to you!
Best wishes,
Chris
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